I don't sleep

on the train on the way to work. The trip lasts for 21 minutes, so it is ample time for a catnap. But I have seen too much and heard too much to ever let that happen. I imagine that should I ever allow it, I would be rudely awoken by the inadvertent gutteral snore that would escape my throat as my head fell floppily backwards, jolting me back into reality, realising I was dribbling, whilst finding myself leaning against the random person beside me, who would be, no doubt, playing something on their iphone or listening to 80s music that wasn't even popular back then.

Today I closed my eyes though. I had a microsleep. Actually I had three. I know this because I was awake at one station and found my eyes mysteriously shaking themselves awake and into focus at the announcement of the next. Three times. Funnily enough I didn't have a lot of sleep last night. Just for something different. But it was a tad less than usual. To the point where at 3.45am I was just wishing morning would come so at least then the night would be over. And the kids were all fine. Just randomly stirring more than usual, and I am a light sleeper so that was that really. That and Tabitha ending up in my bed at around 3am. She is however a lot better than Lexi. Lexi kicks. And rolls. And thrashes. And I end up with a knee to the head at random moments throughout the night. That said she is much better since her tonsils and adenoids came out.

I try not to encourage the kids to come into bed with me overnight. In the morning, yep, that's fine, everyone pop in and have a cuddle. But overnight is time I need to sleep. Doesn't always happen, but I like to facilitate the process for if it is going to happen. Which of course it doesn't. Often. I think I'm rambling.

I was sure I had a point when I started this little conversation with myself. Actually that makes me realise something. I think why I don't mind this forum is it means I can have that little conversation here and there and feel as though perhaps I am not just having it with myself. And if you are wondering, yes, all this information would be going through my head, some of it being spoken aloud, with responses, if this forum were not available. I'm ok with that. It's healthy to express oneself.

I had chips and salad for lunch today. There was bacon in the salad. It's ok. I'm not turning vegetarian. Made up for it by having left over pork belly from last night for dinner. Sensational. Absolutely sensational.

Tabitha turns 3 on Sunday. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone? Actually no I won't say that. I know where it has gone. Back. Or forth. Or somewhere. But it has been. And in that time I have an entire brainload full of memories to love and cherish and look back upon. And it is now I realise that our brain is not a finite space. It expands as the lives of our children go on, as it is constantly filling with more of them, every minute of every day. And will do so until that brain ceases to function. The same happens with the heart. For every breath my kids take my heart grows just that teensy little bit more.

And now I'm feeling emotional. Not in a bad way. In an "I love my beautiful babies way".

So thank you. For essentially doing nothing except allowing me to work through my thoughts to get to this point.

And so on that note I shall bid you good night. And wonder if I snored on the train.