I'm going to take a break

Life is full of drama. There is the drama that happens just from every day goings on, but there is also the drama that others create.

I am at a point in my life where I don't need that extra drama. I'm big enough and ugly enough to call a spade a spade and if something doesn't seem kosher I will say so. I'm also not willing to compromise my beliefs, nor am I willing to go against my 'gut feeling', because it has got me through 37 years pretty damn well and I trust it.

For the most part life ticks on, people come and people go. Other times the clock stops for a bit, regroups, then winds itself up to start again.

I need some time to stop, regroup, wind myself up and start again. So I'm taking it. I'm not sure how long I'll be on hiatus. Might be a day, might be a week, might be a month.

But rest assured I will be back.

You know

your life is busy when you think you blogged yesterday but it was in fact the day before. Aka now. And the other day. And the other day. And it gets worse when you are sure there are things that you have said but you can't possibly have said them because they happened yesterday and even though you are sure you blogged yesterday the blog tells you that it was in fact the day before so the blog you thought you blogged was nonblogged.

Do you reckon I used blog enough in that sentence?

I've been busy. It happens. Actually it happens most days. No, strike that, every day. And by busy I don't mean I was off running errands and drafting documents for the prince what's his head's visit or anything. It was nothing so (un)thrilling. It was nappies, a few more nappies, several tantrums, a couple of teething issues, a few food refusals, many repeats of the words "no" and "why", flying sausage across the room, Angus's under high chairs and the like.

The kids are funny. Funny ha ha and funny odd.  A nice mix of the two. Lexi is amazing. Such an independent. Must do everything herself. In addition to choosing her own outfits now she must put them on herself. Never before has dressing taken so long. But she gets there. In the end.

Tabitha, well, my precious little Tabitha. She of the boycotted daysleep now falls asleep in random places literally every day. So I, being the good mother I am, take a photograph. Every time. I'm going to make an album. "Tabitha's random nap places". It'll be a great photo board at her 21st.

Angus is doing baby led weaning. For those that don't know it's basically giving mini dude everything you eat. Sort of. I cut food into sticks, soft boiled so he can handle it, and I put things on his tray and he just has what he wants. His favourite so far by a landslide is cucumber. I think this is a combination of the fact that it remains solid while he picks it up and the fact that it is cool on his little teething gums. So kind of like a teether with substance.

There is not a huge amount else going on. Lexi had her first night last night where she didn't have a night terror. I was up til midnight anyway, just waiting. Sure it would happen. It didn't. Tonight wasn't so lucky, but it was much less severe than usual. So hopefully the cycle is starting to break. I have been waking her for weeks now as that is the recommendation - break the sleep pattern so that they don't have the terror. I'm not 100% sure if it works, but judging by the diminishing effects I would say that yes, it does. She still has them (except for last night) but they are less violent (mostly - the other night she was literally climbing the wall, several nights previous she tried to throw herself off the bed, but that is nothing unusual, I'm always there to catch her). Tonight was "better" if you can say that.

I was going to say a few things, god only knows what they were. I should be in bed. Lexi last stirred quite some time ago. Angus too. Tabitha hasn't. Yet. But she will. Because she does. Always. Without fail. I can literally count on one hand the number of times she has slept through. Since birth. Actually, two hands. Let's be fair, she did sleep through for the few nights before Angus was born.

So much as I would love to have some wonderful antics and tales to recall, I have no recollection of anything that has happened in the last two days because, surprise surprise, I'm absolutely buggered. But daycare tomorrow and Thursday. Essays will get started, and hopefully a good schlack of it, and possibly even a nap. Who knows. The possibilities are endless.

And the kids will hopefully have fun. Let's just hope that mini chick, aka Tabitha, starts to feel a bit more comfortable. Lexi loves it, they love her, Angus loves it, they love him. Tabitha, well, I love her to bits. She's still finding her feet though. She'll get there. I'm sure she will. My tough little mini chick.

6 months ago

today I was in labour. Again. And awaiting Angus's arrival.

I'm not sure if I have told the full story, but when I was pregnant with Angus I started getting contractions at 26 weeks. I had my first labour stopped at 27 weeks with a short stay in hospital following. The second labour occurred at 31 weeks, the third at 32 weeks, each of them stopped, and each requiring just that little bit longer in hospital.

At around 34 weeks, perhaps a little earlier, the contractions stopped. Good thing? Not particularly, because they had stopped due to Angus turning and lying transverse (sideways). He was then given two weeks to get his act together and get head down or they would attempt to turn him. Just under two weeks later the contractions started again, so I (accurately) assumed that he had moved back into position.

I had pretty well assumed that, due to all these early labours, I would go early. Lexi was born at 38+2, Tabitha I went into labour at 36+6 and she was born at 37, and with Angus, as mentioned, I assumed it would be very early. I think you may recall my comments about assuming.....

39 weeks, and there you go. Welcome to the world little Angus.

And now he is 6 months old. And Lexi is nearly 3. And Tabitha is nearly 2.

And I am constantly amazed by them. Every minute of every day. Today marked the cessation of Lexi answering "no" to every question. She now answers "why" which I guess is a step up isn't it? You would think.....

I'm pretty tired today, another another another dodgy night. Lexi woke up screaming blue murder at 1.30am and woke the entire house (and I'm tipping several neighbours). Sleep visited them by 2.15am, then 3.30am marked the arrival of Tabitha redecorating her bed, floor and self with vomit.

One of the things I have learned in my years of parenting is to always have two things handy overnight. A change of clothes and a change of bedding. And towels. Because you just never know when you are going to need it and the last thing you want to be doing is ferreting around in the middle of the night trying to locate the correct sized fitted sheet and a replacement doona. Luckily my anal retentiveness in this matter ensured an expediatory bed change, however it did not assist in the 'get back to sleep Tabitha' quest, and she was "up" from that time. Me, I was simply counting down the minutes til the grocery man arrived with the Red Bull that I had ordered yesterday (along with some other groceries of course). It's funny you know, I ticked and unticked the Red Bull so many times. I keep saying I don't need it, which of course I don't, but it does help a bit when I have been up all night. Even if it had no effects whatsoever, the psychological part of the equation is that I BELIEVE it does have those properties, and that's enough. Just like if you feed peopled drinks all night and tell them they are alcoholic they will get "drunk". The mind is a pretty powerful thing. Placebos work the same way. In some instances they do work, because the brain has immense power to control the body. Many physical conditions are merely manifestations of the psychological state. That's my deep thought for the day.

Shallow thought? I vacuumed (again) today and pulled the chair out from the table to vacuum underneath it. I have only recently started doing this. I was sweeping up and someone said to me "why don't you pull the chairs out from the table?" as I was weaving in and out of the chair legs. And to be 100% honest with you, the thought had never even crossed my mind. So I tried it today with the vacuuming, because I had forgotten about it until now. You know, it does make it easier.

Angus is rolling around on the floor looking like an intoxicated frog, flailing around looking as though any moment he will leap forwards and just crawl. Lexi is lying on the floor watching tv, looking at a clock (Which she has in her hands, wondering why I can't put it up on the wall, when I explained to her that I need a hook and will get it on Wednesday so instead she has decided to just hold it all day, while asking for apple juice), and Tabitha has randomly fallen asleep beside the sofa. As you do. And I vacuumed around her. As you do.

I might have a coffee. Ooooh actually no, I won't, I have Red Bull, might pop another of those bad boys.....

It is possible

that I am not the most tolerant person in the world. However it constantly amazes me the stupidity of some people. I'm not talking about poor folk who are unfortunate enough to have learning difficulties or those who possess perhaps lower intelligence than the average Joe, I'm talking about people who simply don't think before they speak.

Most of us have thoughts and feelings that, should they be made public, we would be either ridiculed for or shot down for. It is normal to have these thoughts, I think, because we as humans are not perfect. It is not, I believe, normal to blurt said feelings and thoughts out for all and sundry to hear, or read as the case may be.

There is a massive difference between an opinion and a judgment. An opinion expresses one's feelings about a specific topic. A judgment takes a definitive side and denounces any other.

What is possibly the most frustrating situation is when someone is judgmental without having the full facts behind their comment. Let's take a simple example shall we? Let's say my opinion is that poached fish is much nicer than fried fish. That is my opinion and I'm entitled to it. Judgmental side would say I don't know how anyone could poach fish when obviously fried fish is the best. Uninformed judgmental side is someone who has never before eaten fish, has watched an episode of Dr Phil that said poached fish is evil, and then professes to the world that they can not believe anyone would eat poached fish because it is so evil.

Am I getting my point across?

Yes, something happened today. No, I will not go into details. Those who are reading this that were a party to the whole debacle will understand 100% what I am saying.

It just astounds me that people would be so narrow minded as to think that they can get away with basically chastising anyone for doing something that they believe is not right, particularly when they have absolutely no knowledge on the circumstances, have done zero research, and are going purely on hearsay.

That's enough of that for now.

I learnt something today. If you add asparagus to egg and bacon pie it will make your children fart. A lot.

I didn't do

what I was supposed to do today. I had said to myself that with all three kids at "school" I would spend that time studying, which is why I put them into daycare in the first place. But I really did minimal study today. Why? Well, my theory is this. My mind works clearer when my surrounds are clear. I still had things to unpack, and there was still one room in particular (which will be Angus's room when he moves out of my room) that was literally just full of crap. Not crap. Clothes. And things that hadn't been sorted through. So today, instead of studying, I cleaned up. And my god did I clean up. Now, every room (save for my room which I need to get the walk in robe sorted out) is done. And that is a huge thing. What a difference it makes too. I also got some decorations for all the rooms and put those up and the girls just love them. Angus is a little too little to appreciate it right now, but I know he'll like it once he gets old enough to work out what on earth is going on.

I'm a bit tired today. Actually I'm pretty well always a bit tired. I should sleep when the kids sleep, but to be honest, the end of the day is my time. Today, yes, the kids weren't here so theoretically I should have had more than enough me time. I didn't though, because I spent the first two hours at the shops getting things I needed, the next half hour cleaning up, the next half hour trying to sort out things on the phone that needed sorting out, the next hour cleaning, the next half hour on the phone yet again trying to sort out things that really should have been able to be done on the internet yet due to the inability of the website to cope with the incredibly demanding requests I put in (oh wow I used a credit card, holy crap, how on earth are we going to cope with this, it has never happened before), I ended up spending time doing that. Then cleaning. Then a bit more. And then it was time to pick the kids up. The day flew, and by the end of it I was absolutely knackered.

Tomorrow I will attempt to have all three kids at daycare again for the whole day. Angus did his first ever full day today, and he did brilliantly, so tomorrow is his "how do I back up" day to see if he can do the two in a row thing. Lexi had a great day, did really well. Tabitha, well, um, yep. I go minute by minute thinking I should keep her there for her own good (because it really would do her good in the long run) or take her home with me (because after all the sole reason I have them in there is to give me time to study and study with one is a hell of a lot easier than study with three, although study with none is much easier than study with one so I'm not really sure). Hmmm. Decisions decisions.

I should eat more fish. And I really want to try a truffle. Not the chocolate type, those big weird shaped brown things you see on all the cooking shows. And they rave about them. Something shocking. I want to try it. I want to experience the flavour. But I don't want to pay for it. Wonder how I'll manage that.....

And yet again I find myself in the situation of thinking what the hell was I going to say. This, whoever might be reading, is what happens when you have three children under the age of three. You have the best intentions, always. Your intentions are always stunted in their infancy, not by ill-meaning people or mini people, but by mini people who just want to be with you, talk to you, play with you, cuddle you, share a laugh with you, even though you have no idea about what they are laughing. Or the after effects....the sleep deprivation, the curse of the mother, the no full night's sleep. And pregnancy brain. Or not. Unpregnancy brain. My theory is that pregnancy brain does not leave when the child does. It leaves only when the child leaves home. So brace yourselves chicks, a fair way to go yet.....

Tomorrow will be interesting. I have done everything I wanted to do around the house, even down to scrubbing the showers and toilets and organising the cupboards, so tomorrow will be the first day that I have to myself. To study. To do things for me. Without children here. And I'm not sure how I'll cope. Sounds silly? Nope. Not at all. Every day I have spent with my babies, save for those times I was in hospital having other babies, and save for the last few weeks when they have had their little stays at "school", but even then I still had one baby. Today was the first fully non-childless day, and I was too busy to let it sink in. But I'm tipping it will tomorrow. And to be honest with you I think I'll cry. Why? Because they are my babies. And I feel an intense need to be with them. Even when they are being little bastards. Ooooooh harsh? Nope. They can be. Veritable little bastards. Doesn't stop me loving them though. Not for a second.

So tomorrow. Yep. Will be interesting. Isn't as though I have nothing to do - the whole point is study. And study I will do. Three essays must be done and I have about 3 weeks to do them, so I can certainly use the time, that's for sure.

Just don't be surprised if a small (or even substantial) portion of tomorrow is spent away from study, wondering what my babies are doing and if they are okay.

For no matter what we do, no matter where our little ones are, they are in our hearts and never out of our thoughts. Ever.

It is one thing

to feel loved by your family. They are your family and no matter what happens odds are they will love you and you will feel loved.

It is another thing entirely to feel loved by your friends. In particular it is moving when said friends do something so out of the blue, so thoughtful, that you are literally lost for words. That happened today.

I have many 'groups' of friends, some in real life, some in the online world. Some I am friends with because of shared interests, others I am friends with because of sharing pregnancy and baby's birthdays/months with. The latter group, those with whom I became friends purely because I was pregnant with Angus at the same time they were pregnant with their respective little bubbies, surprised me today. One of these lovely ladies, who since moving I now live only a few minutes down the road from, popped around today with two envelopes, addressed to me. One was a voucher for a haircut, and the other a voucher for a pamper session at the day spa. Both things that I am usually hesitant to do for myself because my needs usually come last, but both things that I both need and want. And I was literally speechless, and for me that is really saying something.

What beautiful people that, knowing that things have been a little rough lately (to say the least), decided that I needed something to spoil myself.

I still can't believe that these sensational chicks, most of whom I have never physically met, would go to so much trouble to organise this for me because they thought that I would like it, I needed it, and in their words that I "deserved" it. Mindblowing. Truly mindblowing. And at the same time so incredibly heartwarming.

What have I done to deserve such a generous gift? The thought that went into it, the organisation required that so many chickies all put in to make it happen. They did that for me. For little old me. And it isn't even my birthday.

I am truly such a lucky person to have friends like this. I still just cannot find the words.

Ladies, thank you. From the bottom of my heart and the very depth of my being. Thank you.

There is no feeling

quite like the feeling you get when you have a pimple up your nose. It is itchy, scratchy, swollen, sneezy, aggravated and incredibly annoying. And would be the size of a pin head. How can something so small cause so much grief? I think it all has to do with where the small thing is placed. A pimple this size on your face, while frustrating and unsightly, is far less disturbing, and it will go away. The problem with internal nasal pimples is the fact that the mere act of breathing seems to aggravate them, and if you, like me, have the remnants of a cold, well, that is just asking for trouble. And it makes you sneeze more. And feel as though your nose is the size of a house. Which is isn't.

You know I started typing this over three hours ago. At this rate it will take me a week to write a full post. Things they are ahappening. Actually not things. Just poo. Lots of poo. It's always terrifying if the kids have a "day off" from pooing because the aftermath is enough to scare the bejesus out of the hardest of men. And they wouldn't cope anyway. Boys and nappies, well, they can talk the talk but they can't walk the walk.

So often these days I start to say something and then halfway through forget completely what the point was. Proof of this is the fact that I have no idea what I was saying here, so on that note I'm going to remove the magna doodle from my back (thank you Lexi), put the contents of my purse back where they belong (thank you Tabitha) and throw away the remnants of paper that are strewn all over the lounge room floor (thank you Angus).

They say time flies

when you're having fun. And they're right, whoever "they" may be. You get swept up in the moment, laughs and fun turn into more laughs and more fun and before you know it the event has passed and you are sitting reminiscing over what a fabulous time it was.

Conversely, it should be said that time drags when you are not having fun. The proof of this is in the pudding. This last week of all three children and myself being sick has actually gone for a year and a half. However there is light at the end of the tunnel, and no, that light is not a train. For the constant stream of goobies that has frequented the nose of all of the munchkins seems to be running a little drier than previously, the coughing is more spasmodic and less continuous, and there are far more smiles than frowns, which is refreshing to see.

This morning marked the end of a very long phase of our lives. For the past three months Tabitha has been teething. The canines have been sitting perilously close to the edge of her gums for quite some time, causing countless sleepless nights, and much discomfort and pain. Last night was the veritable straw that broke the camel's back, my feeling a complete nervous breakdown threaten to shut me down around 2.30am. Ridiculous as it may seem, the fact that another of my friends was also up at that time (ah the beauty of facebook) made it okay. Not okay, but okay. And not that I want others to be suffering sleeplessness as well, but it made me feel as though I wasn't the only one in the world going through it. So I toddled off to the screams again with a slightly renewed level of energy.

Today mini chick was horrid. I mean evil horrid. Like possessed horrid. Screams like the screams of the damned, chordal in nature, piercing to the point that windows hundreds of kilometres away had to jam themselves harder up against their frames to avoid shattering. That kind of thing. And clingy. Very very clingy. That said we were in a strange environment amongst people with whom she is not terribly familiar, although some more so than others, and she just wasn't feeling the best. Thankfully she slept on the way home, and later that afternoon it seemed as though a switch went off, and there you go. Tabitha was back. And knowing that which I know and have known over the past three months my first thought was to check her gums. And lo and behold I was right. I was bloody well right. There, poking through the gums like the first new shoots of spring, were two tiny little white dots. The sharp, nasty, bastardish tips of the canine teeth. So that marks the four having finally come through.

God help me when the two year old molars come in....I think I'm going to need an exorcist.....

4 hours

That's how much time I had with no children today. I dropped the kids off at 8.30am, all of them, and headed back home. The plasterer arrived at 9.05am while I was vacuuming. I let him in, had a chat to the building blokes about the crack in the garage floor and about the price of fish generally, and then went back to it. By 10am I had vacuumed the house, cleaned both bathrooms and toilets, made the beds and done 2 loads of washing. Unbelievable. So then I decided to have a coffee and net surf for a while, as you do. Then the mailman arrived which resulted in my receiving a letter that I had been waiting for which necessitated my leaving immediately in order to get some things sorted out asap due to the contents of said letter, so I did that, then went to Bunnings, picked up some numbers for the letterbox (I have been numberless till now), perused the garden centre (oh how I could stay there forever and wish somebody would give me a very large giftcard) and left (several dollars poorer) a short while later armed with pink rosemary, thyme, coriander, sweet basil and parsley seedlings, as well as a wonderful selection of vegetable seeds.

Off to pick up master Angus, straight home as he decided that as soon as he sat in the car seat it was a perfect time to fill his pants, we got home in time to finish that off, change him, he decided sleep was on the cards, so I changed the washing over, did the dishes, folded some clothes, put on another load of washing, had another coffee, then realised I still needed some things for lunch tomorrow so worked out what it was I needed then realised I wasn't exactly sure if I did need that because I wasn't sure if the guests ate what I was making, so texted a while before thinking bugger it I'll call so I did and found out all was good, then Angus woke up, had a feed, I whacked him in the car and we went to the post office to post some things, then to the supermarket where I discovered what I had intended to make was not actually readily available so had to think of something else which I did and hoped it would be okay, got those things, and some soft drink, we left there and ended up at the daycare centre at 5. On the dot.

Not a wonderful pickup for miss Tabitha today. Tears straight away, and not even the where's Angus ruse worked. Nor did the where's Lexi suggestion. It was a "let's throw ourself on the ground and go limp" kind of day. So we dealt with that, went in to get Lexi to discover her elbow deep in red playdough (oh the joys) and grabbed bags signed books and off we went to the car, where some inconsiderate woman opened her door onto my door RIGHT there, as I was putting Angus in there. I walked around the other side and said "you do realise you have just opened your door onto mine and marked it don't you?". Oh sorry she says and then proceeds to jabber on to her carmate in some unknown language. The entire side of her car was destroyed, as though she had come to loggerheads with a fence and it had won. Not surprising really. Careless as. Not impressed either. Not at all.

So kids in car, Tabitha still sooking away, Lexi telling me she wanted her drink and her hands were dirty, Angus doing his little grunts and squeals, and me asking everyone how their day was. Asking what was for lunch brought the same answer as every day "rice". God knows why Lexi believes they have rice for lunch every day. Anyway, when I asked her what she wanted for dinner the answer was rice. Hmm. We did actually have that last night on request. So I said no, we'll have something different tonight, so she decided upon eggies. And so off we went and as we all yelled out "bye school" and turned the corner, Lexi said to me "I love you so much mummy". And I melted.

The rest of the evening was the rest of the evening. I'm still smiling from Lexi's words.

I had more I was going to say but to be honest with you the internet is doing my head in and my toes are cold and I really can't remember. I'm thinking I should probably go to sleep but the child in me says noooo stay uuuuup you know you want to, and it's winning. And it shouldn't be. Very frustrating. So I'm trying to visualise that lovely comfortable feeling of when you snuggle underneath the doona and close your eyes and feel sleep magically wave across you and transport you somewhere else, to a cloud, to a past event, to anything at all. I'm a 50/50 bet here. It's anyone's guess what I'll do next.

Gotta love living on the edge....

It would seem

as if this bug is finally starting to settle. Lexi was a lot better today, although still has a little cough. Tabitha on the other hand wore the full brunt today, falling asleep on many occasions in random places. At one stage I actually put her in to bed only to walk in not 2 minutes later and find her asleep on the floor. She just wasn't comfortable. Then after about 45 minutes she came out, said hi, had a cuddle, then proceeded to walk over near the kitchen, lie down on the floor and fall asleep again. Poor baby. Angus is also on the worst day, although his worst day was actually overnight last night, as was mine. The girls thankfully slept, however mini dude and myself were up coughing and spluttering quite a bit.

So another day of laying like broccoli and doing nothing in particular. Lexi did a few drawings, Tabitha did one and then got upset because the crayons weren't playing the game she wanted (which was see how many crayons I can fit in my hand without them falling down). They were falling down. She was not happy with them.

And another day of nothing particularly exciting food wise. I had made mini quiches a few days back which are always good sellers, and made some chicken wings last night, which didn't sell last night but were fairly popular today. Jelly, though a hit a few days back, was nahmated today. Perhaps the jelly thrill is over. Or perhaps it doesn't taste the same a few days later. I couldn't tell you, I don't really eat jelly. I prefer to drink the warm jelly mix before it goes into the fridge. Not that I do that. But I would prefer it.

Tomorrow the girls are supposed to go to daycare. If Tabitha wakes up like Lexi woke up today they will go. If not, well, I think Lexi may go and Tabitha may stay home. I don't want them going in and infecting all the other kids. I'm pretty sure she'll be right, the endless nose running is now clear. Always a good sign.

I'm sitting here with a box of tissues and a gin and tonic. I had some cough medicine before so hopefully that'll kick in. Sneezing is getting me a bit though. Hoping the gin will help there. How? No idea but I think it's worth a try......

I sound like

that pimply teenager off the Simpsons. I'm quite amazed at how long this cold bug is hanging around, for all of us. Lexi was the first to fall on Thursday, then Tabitha, then Angus, then finally me. It does seem to have a 'progression' though and Lexi now has just the remnants of a cough, Tabitha is picking up also. Angus's cough is at its worst thus far and mine is starting to get some real personality too. So at least it will be coming to an end it would seem.

And something amazing happened yesterday. Both the girls were quite unwell, which we knew, and I thought I would just put them into their beds to try and relax. Relax they did, and before long both were asleep. Angus was a little perturbed, I was exhausted, so I lay on the bed on a few pillows with Angus on my chest. After a few minutes of wriggling around he calmed right down, so I laid him down beside me. And we fell asleep. Everyone in the house had a nap. In the daytime. At the same time. When I woke up I seriously could not wipe the smile from my face. Things like that are a rarity, particularly when you have daughters who boycott daytime naps on a regular basis.

Last night I finally had the early night I was after, although my nights are never straight through what with Angus and sickness etc. But last night I went to bed at 9.30pm, was up with Angus at 11.30pm, back to bed by about quarter to 12 then not up again til just after 4. Then back for a bit on and off til about quarter past 6. Most sleep I've had for ages. So I feel as refreshed as I can considering I feel as though I have had glue injected into my ears, nose and throat.

Today is going to be another slothenly day. I feel they are the best when there is sickness in the house. One positive is that Lexi is eating breakfast. Huge positive actually. Both girls have been completely off their food for the last few days, and I was quite surprised at this until I realised that I, too, had been off my food. I think it is a combination of it hurting to swallow with the fact that taste buds are truly dulled so basically you are eating just for the sake of it, not for the taste of it. It's the same with coffee, I really can't taste it, but I'll be buggered if I am going to not drink it, I need it. I truly do. If you had not guess, my WOTD (word of the day) is truly. Truly it is. I seem to go through days using the same word a bazillion times for no apparent reason. My personal faves are sensational, well, truly (so it seems), however, and some random ones that pop up every now and then.

Uni started back yesterday. With not so much a bang as a cough. So I haven't yet started. I'm hoping the girls are well enough to go to daycare tomorrow. I shan't send them if they're still yuck because I'm a firm believer in not cross infecting if you can possibly avoid it. I'm sure that Lexi picked up the bug from daycare and brought it home to us, and it's a doozy. But at least they're building up immunity, that's what I tell myself (although it's hard to take solace in this fact at 2am when they're coughing up a lung).

Hopefully soon I will feel the desire to cook again. Last night I made chicken wings and ate 2 before I realised I couldn't taste them and it seriously wasn't worth the effort. So they're in the fridge now. I have a truckload of eggs too in the anticipation of making an egg and bacon pie, but I'll hold off doing that till we're all eating properly again. For now I think it'll be toast and dry bikkies. And the opportunity to rediscover daytime tv. Wonder what I've been missing......

Negativity

upsets me. I don't like being negative, I don't like feeling negative, and I don't like hearing other people constantly be negative. Which is why times like this are so hard for me, because the day really didn't have a lot of "good" things in it. We are still all sick, I woke up convinced I had inhaled the contents of Gilette's factory, and we are all sleep deprived, coughing, fevers, and general malaise. We're all sick. Simple.

So food is an issue. It hurts to eat some things. So you don't, you eat other things. But then you don't know what you want, or you know what you want but you are two and it doesn't matter how many times you repeat it and how loud this repetition gets (think Americans in Europe) you still aren't understood, so you have to go without what would possibly be the one thing that would make you feel better. Or not. I might just be reading into things.

Today I am feeling very, what's the word, um, defeated I think is the correct word. My whole body aches, it hurts to swallow, breathe, blink, think, move, all that. And the kids still need me so I have to keep trucking on. And I'm getting angry at them for being sick, because I'm sick too and nobody is looking after me. It isn't fair (mentally chucking a tantrum throwing self on ground, stomping fists and feet and screaming).

Today is one of those days when you think why the hell did I choose to have three children under three, then chastise yourself brutally for even thinking that because there is no way in hell you'd be without any of your children, so you feel worse, and then you get angry, and you see it becomes a vicious circle.

So I shall leave it there. All that has vomited from my fingers onto this virtual page has been negative and I am not happy about it. I hate it in fact. It is not who I am. But I'm feeling so very very worn down and am finding it hard to muster the me out of the quagmire.

Here's hoping tonight somehow resembles a night in a house and not cough o'clock at the local hospital.

I bid you adieu and trust that tomorrow is another day. And inevitably it will be.

Today was without a doubt

the longest day in history. I can not explain why it went so slowly, but it did. All the kids were sick, which I knew was coming, Lexi having been struck down the earliest, and the others were bound to follow, particularly considering at how close quarters they all are, giving each other cuddles and kisses all the time, and drinking from each others water bottles and cups and whatnot. So I really wasn't surprised when last night sucked a bit and then this morning it seemed as though mucous had taken up residence and bred overnight, so pyjama day it was, and slothing was in high demand.

I have a philosophy when the kids are sick. Basically they can pretty well have whatever they want (within reason of course) because they just aren't feeling well and I remember what it feels like to feel sick and sometimes you just want to have a dry biscuit or a juice or a piece of apple with a milkshake chaser.

I'm pretty tired. I'm not really sleeping all that much, and when I do it is interrupted, as is this post, by mini people coughing. Or wriggling. Or moving. Or just wanting a cuddle. And that's where my job comes in.

Most people that don't have kids don't understand that of all the jobs there are in the world without a doubt the most difficult of all jobs is that of the stay at home mum. No other job are you on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for around 18 years. No other job are you expected to drop everything to attend to one of your charges. No other job do you work under these conditions purely for the love of it. I have worked night shift. I have worked tough jobs that are unrelenting and unrewarding. But I have never before worked as hard as I have worked in these last three years looking after my babies.

I'm anticipating going back into the workforce next year. In preparation for this the girls have started daycare 2 days a week. That is not the only reason either, it's due to the enormous amount of study required for my course, and I'm finding it difficult to function on next to no sleep. And let me tell you, essays don't flow so easily when you are sleep deprived, which then leads to frustration which leads to inability to sleep even though your body is literally shagged beyond belief from the day's activities and all you wish for is some shut eye and to turn off for even five minutes.

But I digress. Being a mum is not easy. And it is made more difficult every time your child coughs. Or cries. Or is miserable. Because you want to make it better, and sometimes you just can't.

And I can't. Threefold. And it is torture. And mums will often say they would rather be ill themselves than see their children go through it, and I have also said this. And it has happened, because I can feel my eyes getting that droopiness that sickness brings, and I have the tickle that started at the back of my throat and has now spread to a mat of discomfort, and I know I'm getting sick too. I just want to sleep. I really really just want to sleep. And I can't. I probably could if I lay down, but lying down just means I Have to get up again, and at least if I stay semi-upright when I need to get back up again it isn't so hard to do, whereas if I lie down and begin to relax it hurts more, if that makes sense.

To be honest with you I have absolutely no idea what I have just written. Lexi is coughing and I am anticipating her waking within a matter of seconds, upset, wanting me to help but not wanting me to help because she feels yuck and just wants to stop feeling yuck. Agh. Such a cruel world when babies get sick.

And so I go, to watch whatever the hell I have on the television, which has been on for some 45 minutes now and I seriously could not tell you what it is, and hope that the babies start to settle and that maybe, just maybe, I might grab a little shut eye myself. I can hope.

Coughing

went on all night last night. I'm not so happy about it, and I'm tipping Lexi wasn't either. After the horrendous sleep we had I knew I had to take her to the doctor, particularly after having seen her throat yesterday and today, and seeing what I thought were enormous tonsils. As it turns out it was not tonsils I saw (so I am told) but just her throat, plain and simple, swollen to all buggery.

We haven't been here long enough to have organised a GP. So I phoned a few places and was told they were booked out, so had to chance it at the walk in clinic. We arrived at 11.15am. If I told you what time we were eventually seen you would be amazed. An hour later? Two? Three? And then some. Ridiculous. One person phoned after I had been there 2 1/2 hours and was told there were 59 people in the queue. Absolutely ludicrous.

So we shan't be going there again. Not unless there is absolutely no other option, and if there is no other option I'm tipping we'll go to the hospital so yes that shall be the last I see of that place.

Today was results day. I'm happy to have a little blow on my own trumpet and say that of the three subjects I have studied so far in my masters degree, I have achieved three HD's. These are high distinctions, given when the marks are 80 and above. And do you know what? I bloody deserved those marks too!! I worked my ass off every single night, depriving myself of sleep and putting my all into it. Why did I work so hard? Because I finally discovered the area of law that makes me smile. I knew I would. And funnily enough, being that I'm fairly keen on this whole blogging thing, and I don't mind the odd flutter over facebook and the like, the area that interests me is internet law and electronic crime, as I do believe I have mentioned before.

So anyway, I was pretty pleased with myself. So tonight I'm having a wine, or possibly even a gin and tonic, and watching American Idol with said drink in hand, smiling to myself and also outwardly, contemplating the future and hoping that little miss Lexi has a better night tonight and that the coughing I can hear coming from Tabitha's room is caused by her swallowing the wrong way. Otherwise things are gonna get reeeeally interesting.

Tonsils

were put there for a reason. They basically cop the flack when you get sick and make sure the infection doesn't go down any further. Lexi has had tonsillitis more times than I care to remember. On one particular occasion her temperature was above 40 and yes, we were at the hospital, I had gone there the day before when it hit 39.6 only to be sent home to try and get a sample. Very easy from a child that isn't toilet trained. Not. Anyway, we got one but it wasn't a great one, and when her temperature hit 40.1 at home the next day (and I didn't even wait for it to beep, as soon as it hit 40 that was enough for me) we were out the door and straight to emergency, and straight through. And they dosed her up with gastrolyte icypoles because she hadn't been peeing which was also a bad sign. Anyway, what I was trying to get across is that she has had tonsillitis before. I don't know if she ever actually fully got RID of the tonsillitis, because looking down her throat they were always kind of large looking, but then again I don't know what tonsils are supposed to look like.

Tomorrow we are going to try and find a doctor. Actually I might do the googling tonight and then come business time tomorrow I can just ring up straight away. I'm thinking if I say "I'm a mother of 3 under 3, my oldest has a fever and a cough and her tonsils are huge, my middle child is teething and has been for months and my youngest is going through a growth spurt and is feeding every 1.5 to 2 hours and I haven't slept more than a few hours a night for nearly three weeks if I don't get her seen soon I'm going to go insane" then they may let us waive the usual "new patient" waiting times that you often get and see us straight away.

Even when she is sick though, she is still wonderful. I crawled up on to the bed with her to explain to her that I had to take her temperature and give her some medicine and she looked at me through tired glassy eyes and said "ok mummy" with tears streaming down her face and her cheeks bright red from coughing and heat and all sorts of things, and as I told her that she was the best little girl in the world and I loved her more than anything she blew me a kiss. And I just about cried.

I'm so so tired. I won't be sleeping again tonight. I just hope my baby feels better. It is killing me that she is sick.

Tabitha is teething too. Again. And Angus is still feeding like a bastard.

If there is no rest for the wicked I must be pure evil.

Still, I still wouldn't have it any other way, for to have it any other way would mean that I may not have my beautiful babies, my precious little ones, those miniature folks who say the most magical little things, they who make you smile from looking at the twinkle in their eyes, those whose laughter is more intoxicating than the finest wine, and whose mere presence could melt the coldest of hearts.

I just love my babies. And much as this is part of life and there will be more sickness in the future, I just wish I could take away their pain. Cos that's just what we mums do, that's what we mums want. Our purpose in life is to protect our children as much as we can. But we must also realise that protection has limits. We can only do what we can do. And we can not 'protect' them from life. For they will grow. They will scrape their knees again. They will have a cold again. And heaven forbid they will have accidents. And as they grow older they may shy away from our affection, they may tell us not to worry so much. But every mother knows that their children will always be their babies, no matter how old, and asking us not to worry is like asking the sun not to rise, like asking the birds not to sing, like asking fish not to swim.

Worry we will. But, not now but inevitably in the future, we must allow our children to have things happen to them, bad, good, indifferent, otherwise. For that is life. Life is a collection of experiences. To wish that nothing ever happened to your child is to wish them a dull and uneventful life. I choose then to wish my children a happy and healthy life and that they are able to handle all the obstacles put in front of them. And that they feel they can come to me for help if they need it.

I'm getting ahead of myself. For now I will just be content for my little Lexi to breathe a little easier and make it through the night with at least a little sleep. And some for me too.

This Saturday coming

the three mini ones and myself are going to be a part of the Relay for Life , a fabulous effort to raise money for cancer research.

I personally have had friends and family members who have fought battles with cancer, some of whom have survived, some who have not.

If you are able, clicking on the link will allow you to donate to this fabulous cause.

If not, please support the Relay and the efforts of the Cancer Council by attending one of the Relays, or being a part of Daffodil Day or any of the other superb fundraising efforts undertaken by the Cancer Council.

My almost completely sleepless night last night was brought into perspective when I received an email from the organisers of the Relay in which we are taking part and the realisation that there are people out there fighting for their lives. And here I am complaining that I need sleep.

Perspective.

I feel like a schmuck.

For the last five nights I have been waking DD1 half an hour before she has her usual night terrors, in the hope of "breaking the cycle" and meaning she doesn't have the night terrors. For the most part it has been working, in that when she does wake it is usually quite a bit later, and she is only distressed for a very short time.

Tonight I forgot. And she had a shocker. A real shocker. And she is still unsettled. And I feel horrid.

Such a little thing, to just wake her for a tiny moment, and I couldn't remember to do it. Yes, I was feeding Angus so was a little preoccupied, but it's a pretty important thing and I can't believe I forgot.

And so I'm just gonna sit here and beat myself up about it for a bit because I feel like a crap mum and hate that my actions (or rather inactions) made my baby suffer.

If ever

you decide that taking your three young children to Watergardens with your mother is a good idea give yourself a firm smack upside the head. It is not.

I had never been to Watergardens before, so I dutifully googled where it was, got a vague idea on the map and off we set. We turned at a roundabout and were on the way, the wrong way, but the way nonetheless. So then I felt perhaps we were actually headed towards nowhere so did a uturn and got on to the highway, taking the next exit, which then made me realise that was not the correct exit, but the road that we had first been on was in fact the correct road, and after a 15 minute detour we ended up back on that road, about 1km further down than we had previously been.

Upon arrival at Watergardens I unloaded the kids, after parking spot stalking some poor lady with a pram, because there were simply no parking spots. How a carpark that size could have no available spots is beyond me. We were lucky enough to get a pram park too, bit wider, closer to the entrance, good work. It was lucky. It was very lucky. Shorter distance to travel on the eventful way out.

So we got lunch first. Nothing spesh, subway, but it was nice. Have to make sure the girls realise that food courts sell things other than chips now don't we? I then made the cardinal error of putting them on one of those little carousel rides. They had a ball. So why was it an error? Because I made them get off. Actually Tabitha was quite glad to get off, she had even attempted to get off while it was still moving, however Lexi was not impressed. She wanted another ride. Loudly. And then I became one of those mothers who people look at when their child is going off their heads saying oh that child must be so spoilt to behave like that and oh how awful. Well sorry to break it to you world but that simply isn't the case. She carried on like that because she is 2 and in her world that is the most tragic injustice that could ever occur - her not being allowed to have another ride on the carousel.

Tabitha decided that she would throw herself onto the ground too. Just for good measure. So I had Lexi screaming "nooooooooooooooooooo" at the top of her lungs and Tabitha rolling around on the floor in her little pink tracksuit. I might add that Angus was awake, looking suitably unimpressed, with bottom lip trembling, looking up at me from the pram.

So how did I solve this problem? Bribery? Smacking? No. I picked her up and whispered in a very firm tone that she was embarrassing mummy and if she behaved this way after everything good she got she would never get anything good. See, ending it there would probably have been the good mummy way of doing it. However it did not end there because Lexi kept screaming. So I, mum of the year, told her that if she didn't be quiet I would leave her there. Oops. Probably not the best thing to say. She did stop crying though........

Well by this stage Angus had chimed in too and was giving Lexi a lung for her money, sorry a run for her money. So mum sat and fed him and I took the girls into Target to have a look around to see what they had. I was seeking furniture (storage in particular), and a whole list of things I had prepared earlier. Unfortunately I have no idea where that list finished up and as it turned out we exited Target 10 minutes later with three bags of lollies. While in Target I realised that Lexi loves the toy department. I also realised that Tabitha is a lot faster than she looks. And I also realised that bribery does work. Thus the exiting with three bags of lollies. Why three? I had to bribe myself as well.

So I thought yep that'll do I can't do much more, it was probably a bad idea in the first place. But we trucked on in search of a supermarket trolley, something I had sought in the first place but was unable to find. And I spotted one. The holy grail. Tabitha threw herself onto the ground (for perhaps the fiftieth time) as I grabbed it. Might I add that she is not screaming as she throws herself down, she is actually on occasion laughing. She just thinks it is hilarious that I have to pick her up. Yep. Loving it. Anyway, got the trolley, popped Tabitha in the front seaty part and Lexi got to sit in the trolley, we went in, got the stuff, came out and made a beeline for the car.

When I saw the car I can't tell you the relief I felt. What was the funniest thing was that within the first five minutes of being in the mall we were doing brilliantly. Lexi was helping push the pram, I was pushing the pram with one hand and with the other hand I held Tabitha who was walking alongside like a good girl. I even turned to mum and said that people would be looking at us thinking ah how lovely and they are such good kids. An hour or so later when things had become distinctively pear shaped I commented that for that five minutes I felt on top of the world, and I won't take back what I said, but I would look back from the carnage that was our shopping trip to the commencement of said shopping trip and realise that for a brief moment it was perfect. And that's enough.

And it's now 7.03pm and all the kids are in bed. Not asleep, but relaxed enough that they'll be catching zeds soon enough. I have managed to scrape the house into some semblance of organisation in preparation for buzzing off to "school" for the girls in the morning, the arrival of Mr Foxtel (thank god because if I see repeats of Play School one more time I'm going to go postal) and Mr Maintenance Man to look at some stuff around the house.

Me, I think I'll make a start on getting the books I need for uni. Get on top of things a bit. For now though I might surf the extensive four channels I currently get and see if I can find something to watch. If not, I'll surf the net a bit then hit the hay myself. Big day. But still, we did it. Won't do it again, have no desire to, but we did it once. And as I have said before, that's enough.